may 28, 2007

I was actually nervous early in the morning today. Last night, I can’t to sleep, because I know, I just know that it was going to be a horrible day. It is now 11:45 PM, just a few minutes before May 28, 2007 is officially over. I’m sitting here, contemplating what happened today. It wasn’t so bad afterall, in fact it was a good day.

May 28, 2007. It has been a month since the “deed” has been done. I don’t know, I just thought that I was going to have a relapse and just you know, curl up, wish things that I know would never happen all the while having a good cry and all that drama. I guess it is true that when you obsess about things that you think will happen, it never actually takes place.

I woke up feeling sane and normal, tuned in to the radio and basically had a good start. I also prayed for guidance last night. The thing is, when things turned out not-so-bad first thing in the morning, it was all the motivation I needed. I took things in a stride and just did things I was supposed to do. It was really all in my head- all those negative vibes. Edu Manzano never fails to perk me up. I went to UP, although I didn’t fully accomplish what I was to do there, but at least, I got started. It was also nice walking around the campus, seeing all those familiar surroundings and just remembering good times there.

I also finished my application for this Quezon City- based company, I hope they would consider me, Makati is just too impractical for me. What else? Oh, I also talked with 2 friends- one was lonesome, the other was getting over heartbreak. I comforted them to some extent and in the process forgot about my own trivial woes. I know we are all going to be fine. I purchased a new blouse for the interview tomorrow. (they really ought to hire me, I already spent some serious cash before I was even hired LOL). The black pumps were fixed and I am going to call the company tomorrow just to make sure that I won’t waste another afternoon again. Oh yeah, it also rained a bit as I was going home. The type of rain that’s just right to cool everybody off, a light drizzle. Perfect.

Yes, I have yet to completely accept what happened to me. Sadly, I don’t think we can the relationship we had back then. Funny, it was just a few months ago that I consider him to be one of my good friends. Its OK, I guess, maybe it just really takes time. It’s now, 12:05 AM, May 29, 2007. Its over, I made it. You’re doing great Arlene. Just let things flow. There will probably be even more challenges and trials before you, but you’ve been through part of hell already. You’re going to be fine and always keep in mind that there are people who care for you. Alright?

I wonder how I’ll be doing a year now. Hopefully, I’ll be a law student and even better-looking lady then. You wish! Laughs. Keep it up, Arlene

of cold nights and babies

As the rain pours outside, I can’t help but feel happy, jubilant even. I’ve always loved rainy nights, particularly in times like this when I’m all alone in a place with my thoughts. Had it been any other night, I would seek the companion of the TV, the radio, music or what-not. Not tonight. This kind of weather is soothes and calms me like no other and I just let all thoughts run inside my head.

Today, I just heard that a former classmate is actually getting married. She just also graduated. When my friend told me, I just had to ask, “Is she pregnant?” Turns out she was, 4 months if my sources were correct. Wow. I can’t help but admire her decision in keeping the baby and getting married. If that had happened to me at this time in life, I would probably do the alternative- that is, having an abortion. Just can’t believe I just that, but really that’s how I feel. I dunno if I would feel the same way a few years from now, but the as I said, at this time of my life, I know I am not responsible enough to raise another human being.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually am hoping that that situation would never take place- me having an abortion. When the time comes that I am to have sex, and I know that I’m not ready to have a child, I hope that I would have the logic and reason to take precautions not to have one. By the way, I already have names for my children, ironic isn’t it? Corrine and Miguel. Yup, just two children for me. Paternal twins if I have my way.

I was also “unli” today. I texted up some people and it was fun. Chika and updates with other “unli” people. My good friend (lets just call her “chenes”, I don’t think she would appreciate it if I blab all these things for all the world to read) we were of course making the most out of the service, Anyways, it was almost midnight and she said that she’s tired and sleepy. Being the heckler that I was, I teased her that she only wants to go to sleep because she wants to dream about Y tu mama tambien, the movie that we were talking about earlier. To which she replied something like, “Nagawa ko na iba dun. Hindi masaya, nasaktan lang ako.” Oh-K. Great. As I also happen to know the guy she was with then, well…, it was an awkward moment for which I was lost for words. Of course, had I not been involved and caught in the middle in this entire “situation”, it would have been funny, hilarious even.

I hope that it rains every night. Selfish thought, but really. I think that the rain helps me keep it together, helps me get through everyday. I especially like it when at times the rain would seem to stop, it gently turns to drizzle but at the next second, it all comes pouring relentlessly down. Love it.

neurons?

A once read a message that said that the neurons (or something) of a human brain is (somehow) connected to other people’s brain cells, chances are if you think or remember a person, the other person is thinking about you too.

I don’t know if this is scientifically-conclusive, but assuming this is true, I do have one favor to ask of you. Would you please stop thinking of me?

Just so you know I am trying my best not to think of you. Know what? I am doing great. I am busy with other things, people and stuff. I don’t even have the time to think of myself, let alone you. But it really pisses me off that until now when a text message comes from you I just lose it. I backslide into the person that I swore I would never be again. I feel suddenly elated and somehow, I just have to text you back, hoping that we’ll somehow have a conversation. But, just as I learned the hard way, another message from you is next to impossible.

Did you that I was feeling crap today and that I needed a friend? Did you know that I was just about to watch the movie that we were supposed to see together? Did you know that you asking about tope was just about the most insensitive thing you could have done? All these questions rushed into my head as I received a text from you some time late in the afternoon today.

I am not supposed to be missing you today, nor even think about you. Not ever. As I said, I’ve been ‘successful’ but when jump on me like that, well... Worse yet, there are those moments that I am doing something completely different but then I see or hear something, and instantly, thoughts of you would come flooding to my mind. And then I miss you. Then I despise myself for missing you. Finally, I cry because I just feel so helpless, confused, bitter and guilty all at the same time.

I hope you’re happy. I feel like crap and I know you don’t. Life is just too dandy for you. I don’t know what triggers my memory in you, probably something trivial or maybe, when you have nothing else important to do. I don’t want to know.

Please don’t think of me again.

two months, too long

i have aged 10 years older and became two feet less in the past weeks. i don't think i can handle anymore surprises and revelations- people, event or whatever. I think i've had enough of those this er, memorable, (to put it mildly), summer vacation. nonetheless, hey, i've learned a lot and that i can take with me in the future.


well, i think all things considered i have done well in ammending my mistakes. i ended it, the thing that was wrong from the start. I think. I must admit, i do have relapses. just yesterday, i was very much affected when he texted suddenly. damnation. but hey, whatever. the point is, we finished it. i don't know how we would act towards each other when we meet again. I just have to make sure that i look as "blooming" as possible. no need to boost ego his ego by appearing as if my world ended when I called it quits.

also, i can't believe that i have lost all my love for my "pinakakatangi-tanging pag-ibig" as i liked to call him then. now. I can finally say that i am over him. yes, tope, i am over you. hindi na kita crush. it has taken some time, (again, an understatement), to avtually do that. I knew it was teh right thing to do when you did that to her. I can't believe that you did that, well, yeah, I actually believe it. Well, you read this, you'll probably go, "what did I ever do to you?" well, nothing. It wasn't your fault that i like you. Its just that throughout all these time, you were my anchor, whatever happened, it was you or at least my perception of you, that was consistent. so to speak. I know that you were not aware of all of this, and i actually have no right to be angry at you or anything like that. im not. its just makes my head spin knowing that you would never actually make me back had i told you of my feelings. i would have been devastated. i'm sorry that it ever happened to her, I felt that you actually like her back and you'll be great together. tope, nobody deserves to treated like that. ever.

ok.. now , its all done with , I am up at my feet again. damn company, I wish that they'd call me back. just so i know if i made it or not.. but then again, patience is a virtue.. for the record, i am really at a meager budget, please, i need money.. people, i am ready for employment, lets get it on.. smiley..

ayeene, i like this new you. you should cut your hair more often.

kasama sila

masaya ako kagabi.. for a long time, di ko masyado naramdaman yun.. that was what i needed- kaibigan, alak, yabangan.. lam mo un, di sya ung saya na dhil lasing ako.. basta iba.. pag talaga kamangyan kasama ko, i really belong... korni, pero totoo.. these are the people that i would trust my life with..

masaya ako kagabi.. kasi kahit pano, i know that i'll be ok.. kahit patay asar ako sa kadahilanang ako'y tambay pa rin, ayus lang.. uwi na lang siguro akong mindoro.. hehe.. nakakatuwa nga, c jucs at aya may trabaho na.. ang gagaling, nakaka-pressure tuloy.. buti na lang, makapal tlaga mukha ko, kundi na-depress na ako ng tuluyan dahil dun..

masaya ako.. kasi c jop2 at shai2 ay nagsalita na.. at may suka pang kasama.. hehe.. ok talaga ung dalawang un.. sana lang di masyadong BI org, nilalasing kasi mga bata.. hehe..

grabe, ganun pala sya as a person.. pano yun? ang prince charming ko pala ay palaka.. as in.. alam mo yun? i have this perception of him that he's basically a good guy.. a great guy, in fact.. pero sobrang hindi pala.. nung pinag-uusapan sya, i can't believe that he is the same guy that i have liked for so many years now.. whatever happened to him?

masaya ako kagabi.. bow..

you may not know this, but you are my knight-in-shining armor. as cliche and ridiculous as it may sound, you have always come at moments when everything just blows up in my face.

a messsage from you today made me fully realize that i could just end things and be done with all the troubles in the past weeks. i don't know why, but it was talking to you that triggered all the pent-up emotions and i finally had the courage to face my problem. i know it was just a meaningless exchange of messages for you, what you don't realize was that it was the first time for me to actually just text you and not think about anything else. then, i just cant send you messages without my imagination running wild. when we were texting, it was then it hit me that if i could do that, then i can do anything else.

you probably won't read this, you probably won't even care. but just the same, thank you.

P.S. I do hope that you would read this someday. In the back of my mind, i guess i still want you to like me, that somehow you will finally take notice.

don't let me get me

why is it that you can't let go of something that you know would only mess up your life? big time?

maybe it's the thought that things will change? the idea that nothing will ever be the same between the two of you is scary enough... so, i just hang on to whatever is happening right now, becuse i think it's better than would happen when I finally have the courage to end this, whatever this is.

th reason why

for some time now, i have thought of starting my own blog, but i never i actually got around in actually starting one.

now, as i am doing nothing else (oh yes, i am still jobless.. lol), i am starting one. just hope that i could keep this up. or at the very least, have at least some entries.

everything is changing. flashing right before my eyes. the thing is, i don't know what to do about it.
lately, i have done some things that never should have taken place. and i mean never. in the beginning, it was all just great fun. then, it became complicated, and more so each day. i'll the first one to admit that i lost my head in the process and now, everything just seems to crumble into pieces. i despise myself for what i have become. i used to like myself, ok, maybe not all the time. but at least then, i could have said to myself "you're doing just fine" and smile at the next moment. not anymore.

for those who know me,. this may come as a great surprise. don't worry, i will be fine. i'm working on it.