used to it

things and people are really easy to get used to. after having been together for more than a month or more, you sort of get used to the idea that yeah, some things are better when you're with someone. a person talk to, tease, drink and eat with and text with- the list is endless. yup, you get used to it.

on the other hand, getting used to when they are not there anymore takes a lot more adjustment. its not that you dont see each other personally that makes the relationship fade, there are actually ways to communicate with another person if you really want to; rather, its the lack of effort on the other end that makes a person frustrated. its not that you're asking them to let you know how they are doing every single minute of the day- a couple of mesages at the end of the day would be enough.

as it is, messages become less frequent, phone calls unanswered, special days go unnotice and dates are nothing more than plans broken. slowly, you get used to the idea that you are not aymore one of the other person's priority and surprise of surprises, you cant do anything about it since you both agreed that there were would be no strings attached with what you will have.

a recent research actually presents more scientific data on Einstein's theory that time is relative. true, things are so much easier to get used to when they make you happy and really, time just flies and you can't wait until the next time that you'll be together. However, when the time comes that you have to get "un-use" (for a lack of a better term), time has its way of making you hope, just hoping however pathetic it is, that in the end of seemingly long day, time would again would just fly and the nagging incompleteness that you feel would just fade into the night.

sa kadahilanan ng MP3

im so pissed at him right now.. i wont text him from now on, till when, i dont know.. basta , di ko cia ttxt.. actulaly, di ko alam kung magttext naman cia kaya patas lang.. i'll be giving him the cold shoulder, serves him right..

a verdict foretold

as the verdict is read by the Honorable Justices, i can only sigh- one of relief at that. as Ms.Len said, Erap became the sacrificial lamb of Philippine government and justice system. i think that more than anything, Erap's case was one of the most pressing issues that should be rightly put to end. It has been six years since the controversy started.

The reaction of people here in the office is a representative of the Philippine society. some of us were keeping our fingers crossed for a conviction while others were of the contrary belief. as i said, i am relieved since i do believe that is Erap should be held responsible for his actions, notwithstanding his age and former position. definitely, pro-Erap mobs are itching to take the issue to the streets and possibly cause instability in society once again.

i can only hope by finally having a decision that followed the rule of our present institutions, Filipino would learn something. No one is above the law and that our institutions are there to uphold the order for the general society. yes, these institutions may be flawed but on the final note, we, the people should trust and put faith in their capacity to act as they are mandated to.
one lesson i learned from sir Quilop is that people and institutions would not function effectively if they are constantly having the perception that they have to prove themselves.

being critical is one thing, being a jaded cynic is another.

floating

i feel like crap today.. i dunno, i woke up just fine but in the midst of correcting piles of demand letters, my mood changed. maybe because the tempearture in the area was hotter than the usual, the fact that i cannnot connect to friendster, no text message of any kind from him, my hair suddenly decided to annoy me.. i guess, this is just one of those days. .. sigh.. the only entertaining event that took place this morning was when Dionne came over and talked to Atty. it was about a movie that he saw reagrding the legal basis of mercy killing. i think. anyway, i think atty., was a bit surprised but being he's accomodating self, he talked to him like they were old friends. reallly nice of him, actually. I think people here in the company finds him intimidating at first, but when they get to talk him, they find him really nice.

is atty., dissatisfied with my work? i think so. ewan ko ba but im not really in the zone these days. the routine bores the patience out of me, the piling workload annoys me and the things and events that happens around me just doesnt make sense anymore. dunno. i should get out more often. wala naman akong pera. hayyy....

sa aking paglalayag

i left my house at around 7 am. usually, im in the office at around 8 am. not today.

it all started because i am so caught up with the book that i was reading. it was really good and my logic was not really working during the ride. When i thought i was already at the Buendia, what i heard was Boni station. so i didnt get off. as it stopped at the next stop, which on my mind is supposedly Guadalupe, lo and behold, it was AYALA station. OH-Kay. so i missed my station, no of a deal, i could always find my waY BACK TO world Centre. Easy enough task i thought, besides i had plenty of time.

Piece of cake? well, not really. as i am really not good at directions, i had my misadventure of the day first thing in the morning. Good thing, people are really nice. Like the jeepney driver from Washington, he let me rode thejeepney all the way around since surprise, surprise, i was in the wrong way. or the guy, who greeted me "good morning" as i was crossing the street. ang ganda ko.. hehe. or the manong from ayala, he pointed me in the direction for the correct ride, but i was really just spaced out.

the thing is, i should have looked around and enjoyed the sights and sounds of Makati as i was cruising it. But you know what? that book has got me really hooked. i read it eveery few paragraphs as much as i can. the only reason im doing this now is for documentation purposes. LOL..

the moral of the story? alwaya, ALWAYS look at the stops. The signboards screaming the names of the stations arer there for a reason.

im into too deep

hala, bat ganun? di pwede. is it me or tlagang kami nA? I mean, kung hindi kami, ano kami db? gets? ang weirdo.. ang relasyong walang pangalan.

nakaktuwa kasi sumama cia kahapon tapos may libre pa.. mahal din un, mga 200 din nagastos nun.. sabi ko namn kasi bukas na lang, eh, pag adik kasama mo, mahirap talaga kausapin at makapa-ngubinse. andali ko pa namn ma-persuade. ngek..

antagal ng 15, sobrang im strapped for cash na talaga. as in. tapos sabi ko pa ay ako taya bukas... me and my big mouth..

buti pa sina kuya ian, pa- QC na.. pasama na.. gusto ko nang umuwi... wait guyys!! i wana go home also at nang makapanood ng CSI... shet, obviously, diretso na sila pauwi. damn. sana naglaba na si ate. pagod na ko.. ano kaya feeling ng nag- fi-field? masaya siguro occasionally at syempre may perks din.. kaso iba rin naman ang stability ng sa loob ka lang talga.. I think.. la lang, it kinda gets monotomous after a while dito sa loob. buti pa sina atty., nakakalabas kahit pano at may sasakyan to boot.. yeah.. hehe

shet, moment wid crush.. kaso nadatnan nya ko sakto na ngumangata ng mais.. geez.. wa poise..

pano kaya?

kanina habang asa byahe ako, andami kong napag-isipan.. kasi wala akong headset, ayun, my mind began to wander sa kung anu-anong bagay, tao, hayop, tao at pangyayari.

at eto ang pinakamalaking tanong ng buhay ko ngayong araw na to: PANO KAYA?

* kung nung April 27, 2007 ay naging ordinayong araw lamang para sa akin? as in tipikal, walang kahusayang nangyari at nag-papaetiks-petiks lamang ako?
actually, eto ang punot-dulo ng mga problema ko ngaun and typically me, wala pa rin akong solusyon... im just really idiotic, imbecile even, at this point of my life.

* kung tinanggap ko yung first job offer ko? medyo mas malaki ang compensation dun. as i've said before, its not about the money, its the experioence. Kaso, i cant help thinking about Peso signs pag bayaran na ng bills.

* kung di ako masyadong adik? not in the literal sense mind you, pero alam mo yun, yung mejo mas refined and lady-like.. LOL..
may solusyon na ko, promise, babawas-bawasan ko na paghihirit at kalokohan ko sa buhay. pag lunch, kakakin na lang talga ako, promise. STARTING TODAY.

* kung may cast din ako gaya nung tga AMD ng 20th? La lang, di ko pa nae-experience yun. Not that I have a hidden desire to hurt myself and enjoying it in the process. Hindi namn ganun, pero yung experince ng pagkakaroon ng cast ang gusto ko. Magpa-ipit sa elevator? sa MRT? sa hagdan? alin kaya maganda? hehe
yeah, i know. Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.

*kung bigla kong makita c aga muhlach at edu manzano at ngumiti sila bigla sa akin? di ba ang saya nun. la lang, imagine mo si aga asa harapan ko tapos ngingiti na kita ung dimple? tapos si edu, biglang sasayaw. shet.. walangya na lang siguro masasabi ko.

* pagalitanm ako ni atty today? la lang, bka may ipagawa tapos di ko ma-execute ng ayos tapos magalit?
tama, di ako aalis sa area ko unless mag-ccr.

TODAY, TATAHIMIK AKO AT BEHAVE THAT PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY WONDER WHY. harhar.. Or nobody would notice, so harsh.. :)

its this time of the month

august 8 db? hmmm.....

yun na..

it was another round of vices last night. it was kuya christian's son's birthday and as predicted, it wasnt a children's party. LOL. i did get my share of alcohol, laughs, teases, jokes among others. yes, i was tipsy, the alcohol just keeps on coming and who am i to refuse it. i didn't do anything scandalous last night.. I think. wonder what they're going to ridicule me about today.

One thing i have to say though, people belonging at the Legal Department are really talented. give them a guitar and in a few minutes, everybody turns into a Philippine idol. Pano na lang kung may videoke pa? scary.

I'm glad Lery came last night. Untapped potential no more. Also, more taxi buddies to come home with. speaking of taxis, what i said to richard was really mortifying. Really. I shouldnt have done that. i cant blame the alcohol, the fish or whatever. Nope, it really was just my own undoing.

so, isang buwan ka na!! woohoo!! at may kaadikan ka tlaga sa buhay.. magyosi ba daw after lunch.. hehe.. uhmmm., in fairnes, la ka maciado trabaho ngaun.. kaso baka bumawi mayang hapon.. yaan mo na,m mahirap umuwi if ever maya.. sana umulan pa rin tapos umalis si atty, paRA Mlkapag-moment ako sa ulan..

in fairnes, buti na lang umulan kasi critical level na daw ang angat dam at iba pang watersheds sa pinas..

eneweiz, ang galing nga, kasi umulan, eh di ba nag-tatransform ka pag umuulan.. nagiging isang palaka!!! hehe.. ansaya mo pag umuu;lan, i wonder y..
tapos, un nga, kamusta naman un db? talagang natuto na kayong mabuahy na lang ganun.. ocaasional txt, kita once in a while tapos yun na yun.. as to why you settled for that kind of arrangement is beyond me ( which is really weird, considering im repremanding myself---- split personality, scary.. LOL)

oh yeah, napanood mo na nga pal ang simpsons.. it was worth the wait naman db? pero sadness, kasin wala ka na uling something to look forward to.. frustrated na talaga ako sa harry Potter 7, pucha talga, nakakaiyak pag naiisip ko na sobrang dami ng nakjbasa.. kainis.. oh well, walang pera eh.. remeber the words of ate, "matuto kang mag-prioritixe"... wehhh..... so young, yet so many responsibilities.. feeling drama queen.. hehe...

the morning after

eto mahirap sa inuman eh, yung day after. andun kasi pinagkekwentuhan ang vulnerabilities at weaknesses na lumabas nung nyt na yun.. tsktsk.. magbabagong-buhay na ako, dapat talaga marunong akong tumanggi paminsan2.. may gulay... dapat kasi walang ganunan.. parang ung gawain na


hala, na-disturb naman ako.. i should have more clean fun, ung walan g double meaning.. as in, ung malinis talga.. lasing bA ko? napa-isip tuloy AKO. biruin mo naman yun, la pa ko isang buwan pero my reputasyon na ko. LOL.. hayyy.. buhay.. ayin, magbago ka na.. for your sake.. :)

partida, nga pala, nag civilservice exam ako... ayun, mejo nakakatulog pero kinaya naman... shet, pag ako pinakamabab sa batch, di ko kakakyanin.. as in..

ayoko na.. take a break muna ako sa gimikan..

puntang baguio at puerto pala ha.. well3x.. ayun,eh di pumunta sila.. kebs.. ano ung ginawa nyo nung 6 mos nila? well, for all i care, they can do anything.. malalaki na sila.. nakakainis.. baliw ka kasi..

ang batch

kagabi, kasama ko nag-dinner mga mangyans.. ayun.. sa bora.. nmasaraop naman kaso nagmahal na.. buti na lang di kami nahiritan ng libre kasi wala talaga ako.. hehe.. sobrang na-miss ko tlaga mga being sna yun.. nothing beats their company.. hayyy.. theres something abouth those people that is just really comfortable...
----------

after dinner, ayun, batch meeting nama. LOL. grabe, tumatanda na nga kami.. ang mga boys, ayun, mama na.. nanalibre din sila in fairness.. 100 lang pinatak namin ni aya.. c tom, bert, vener, gremar, lance at tope, sial mga kasama kagabi.. nakakatuwa din namn mga kasam mga mokong.. syempre, im the obkect of almost all the jokes, but oh well, tingin ata tlaga nung mga yun, eh, lalaki din ako.. tsktsk.. kung alam lang nila, they're really missing out on something.. wahaha..
--------------------

actuially, im supppsed to be some research for atty. bruce.. tinanatamad ako eh.. la ako makuha.. dalawang araw na ko naghahanap.. tsaka, ang hirap kay akasi kalat ung files.. biruin mong 6 na PC ang may folder ko.. buti koung marunong akong mag-network.... wahaha..
-------------------

walanghiya talaga yun, nagtext lang para magpagawa ng email acct.. ampucha.. at ginawa ko naman.. tsktsk.. hopeless case.. siguraduhin lang nya na may pasalubong cia, kundi... hehe.. aba, ginagawa din nya akong sekretarya as if i dont do that enough.... not that im complaining ung dito sa opisina (although ambaba ng sweldo.. hehe), eh cia, anong benefits from him? wala.. well, hindi naman, may effort din naman ung taong yun... pero walangya, umuwi, nakalimutan na mga tao dito sa sibilisasyon.. .. tsktsk...
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"pagsisisi sa huli...." --- so true

July 14, 2007

Andito ako ngaun sa ofis, malamang… kasi my pasok.. eneweiz, un nga, dahil idle moments ngaun, sa Monday pa ung filing ng HLURB. Mahusay. Yun nga, idle nga, bakit ba? Wala rin akong internet connection kaya para mukang busy, gumagawa ako ng entry sa bits and pieces.

Andami celebration ngaun.. bday ni atty.carla, regular na sui kena,, ansaya2..

---------------------------

July 16, 2007

So here’s the deal, I exactly have 1500 in my account. When I told Ate I was planning to splurge on harry potter 7, she freaked. And that was over the phone, mind you. “hindi ka marunong mag-prioritize!! “ well, no argument there. I really must know how to prioritize, must being the operative word here. I want Bob Ong’s new book, MAC ART TUR.. is that correct? Whatever.. ok, so its new to me. I heard it was released a while ago. I really want harry!!! Geez!! I really do!! As of the momenmt, I am cursing every forsaken moment on which I spent my hard-earned money.. hard-earned in a sense that I had to persuade people to give me money!! I WANT harry!! Oh yes, it was done with whining. LOL. Shit!! This is what I get for being such a jerk-off. Damn!!

dencio's

Bits and Pieces

Last night was great- just had my first drinking session with officemates. As they were all men, you’d expect the usual ruckus- sexcapades, women, jokes, the works. You’d think Aya and I would be out-of-place... so not! Magaling talaga kami makisama eh.. LOL. I just hoped that they enjoyed our company also. It would be assuming of me to guarantee that right now. After we left, they probably talked about us. A post-evaluation, one might say.. J

I didn’t know how many bottles I had actually. I wasn’t taking any tabs since I’m not footing the bills. Libre, pare. May pantaxi pa nga eh.. ayus. Ok, so maybe I was tipsy, drunk even, whatever. Kuya Yo is probably nursing a few bruises this morning. I really should stop hitting people when I’m drunk. LOL.

Aya just arrived, the first thing she did was tell people. Great. Aya talaga…, adik,..

Another thing, im broke. As I always ask myself, how can someone be broke when I have no funds to speak of. But I am, im broke. I have to think of a good excuse for Nanay as to where the money she sent me was spent./ hmm.. but be a good lie.. LOL.

ofis1

Today is just one heck of a day. I’m so darned sleepy. Really, really sleepy. Ok, so maybe staying up until the wee hours of the morning was not the best idea (oh, now you know that ayeene?!, seriously?!), but hey what was a girl supposed to do? LOL!!

Hmm. Rundown of the day:
Deposited my first check! Ok, so it was not from my account, nor is it going to my account but I was the one who did the bank transactions. So there. J
Demand letters just kept on coming, but at least I had the excuse to roam around the different departments.
My forsaken space in the corner is freakin’ cold. Its arctic, antartic whatever out there. No wonder, my “sebo” really has a slim chance of getting better.
Ate breakfast at mcdo with he-who-must –not-be-named.. weeehhhh… met up some classmates, doing their proposals. Thank God, I looked halfway decent this morning. I miss UP. Really do. For a moment there, I wished really that I could change places with them.
for the first time in days, did not tune in to the morning rush with chico and del. U feel im nearing my “deaf stage” with that headset stuck to me all day long at the top volume.
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Sa kabilang dako, naway hindi ako hinahanap ni boss sa segundong ito. Akoy nagpaapkahusay pa dito. Ang lupet tlaga ng mami elvie’s problematic show, the best..
Ariel: (to mami): HU U?
Mami: Hu me? SUPER TWINS!!!
Ang potah!! Yun na!!
Pumasok na nga pala si Kena, kasi nga db nagkasakit cia? Trangkaso.. regular na cia, ang galing…
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HP5 the movie premiers today. La akong pera. Kainis!! Hope that money would come in time so that I could reserve my copy of the last book. Cant wait!!

hibangers-- title to, kaso ayaw mag-navigate sa title box..

oo.. napaka-adventurous nung isang gabi.. biruin mo naman un.. kung saan-saan ka na naman napadpad at ang laki ng ginastos mo ha.. parang may pera ka.. antindi.. pag nalamn ni ate na nagpadaal si Nay tapos kung san2 mo lang ginastos, patay ka!! (understatement yan)

hayyy, naku ka.. di ka na nakikinig ngaun- sa kahit sino at sa instinct mo.. masama yan.. naku, matakot ka talaga sa repurcussions ng lahat ng gianagawa mo as a person.. dont wanna be you...

andami ko gusto gawin ngayong week:
1. HP d movie na!!! wii!!! kaso dahil sa constraints, malamang sat na mo makapanood.. at least, mas mahabang oras..
2. bilhin ung the wedding ni nicholas sparks- sa profile ni celine, ang ganda daw. si celine pa un..
3. mauntog ng matauhan..
4. maayos ung tumutulong gripo sa haws.. aba, ako na ata magbabayad nun, mahirap na..
5. makhanap ng hawsmate- para makatulong sa bayarin..
6. makuha ung goodies galing kina te mei at belle.
7. makasweldo.
8. malibre si ate.
9. pay up debts- literaaly and figuratively.
10. shopping?! wehh..

sa legal division ng 28th floor ng world tower

yey!! accessible to dito.. YM kasi di pwede.. eneweiz, yup, friday na ngaun.. monday ako nagsimusla.. so far, so good.. haggardness ang byahe from qc pero i have to have top get used to it..


c boss, Atty. Edgardo Bruce, ok naman.. ang galing.. may pagka-ka- OC pero thats what i need i guess.. hehe..

ok naman ung mismong environment (ung sa physical, my malapit na sementeryo dito! ) ..
i mean ung workplace. mababait mga tao tsaka steady lang. may libreng at meriendas every so often.. nice..

the salary is another thing altogether, mababa cia!! as in, tamang pangkulot at pamasahe.. tsaka ness at ung sat, di cia considered as overtime.. biruin mo un..

sa ngaun ang nasa teritoryo ko ng opisina (meaning the side table na katabi ng aircon) ay papel, ballpen, highlighter.. nag-hoard ako ng folders, envelopes, coupon bonds, clip, at iba pa.... hehe) nga pala, katabi ko din ung fax kaya pag may gagamit, ayun, natitigil ako sa mga gawain.. naks.. hehe.. pero still, i dont mind the interruptions, keri lang..

ung comute talga reklamo ko eh.. haggardness to the extreme.. twice a day everyday!! ayus db? baka mas tumaba ako dito kaya pag kelangan maglakad, naglalakd nga ako at pag di gutom, di talaga kakain.. pagdating sa bahy, di ko na-hintay c jeremy, so sad.. miss ko na rin game knb.. promise, kung yun plabas sa lobby pag tanghali., tatambay talga ako dun..

on probi pa lang akoi, 6 months pa.. sna may lamesa, pc, fone, corkboard at logbook at maiging upuan.. at sana eligible ako sa christmas bonus.. malaki daw eh.. LOL..

what's up?!?

I just rejected my first job offer. Hmmmm... What to make of it? I really don’t know. It’s just that I felt that it wasn’t the right job for me, especially when it was Ma’am Jing, the interviewee who really made me think hard if I should accept the job offer or not. In the end, I did the latter. Considering all things, it was actually a risky decision that I made. After more than a month of bumming and still living off in my parents’ and sisters’ account, well, it’s embarrassing. Yup. Being a bum, isn’t much fun when you have too much of it. Be careful what you wish for…, so true. Anyway, my applications are still pending in the other companies I applied to. I hope that I’ll be considered for the position in the INNerworx company, primarily of logistical criteria. LOL.

Anyway, what I’ve been doing all in the past few days? Well, I’ve been to Batangas to celebrate ‘fiesta’ with Glen’s Family. Ehem, sabit much?! Harhar. I also went to Megamall today for the job fair with two friends. Not that I have anything against call centers, its just that I would like to be my first job to be related, even in the slightest to what the degree that I earned. And oh, I also had my first Lotto experience. For a bet of P10.00, I wish to win almost a 100 million. I’m actually keeping my fingers crossed, hoping that beginner’s luck would be on my side.

I’ve also read a new book, I mean, new to me. I actually haven’t read anything new in the past months. I’m now in the middle of Henry James’ “The Portrait of a Lady”, a really good book. I also had mixed emotions upon browsing books at Powerbooks and listening record at Tower records. Thre are just a lot of great boks and record out there. I can’t wait to get my hands on them. If I were to rob an establishment, I would probably rob a bookstore. ( hey, stop it with the eye-rolling.. harhar)

What else, “crash and burn”, “smothered”, “scorched”, you know what I mean. Never give a damn, never again. Im not angry, I just feel nothing for him, that’s good.

may 28, 2007

I was actually nervous early in the morning today. Last night, I can’t to sleep, because I know, I just know that it was going to be a horrible day. It is now 11:45 PM, just a few minutes before May 28, 2007 is officially over. I’m sitting here, contemplating what happened today. It wasn’t so bad afterall, in fact it was a good day.

May 28, 2007. It has been a month since the “deed” has been done. I don’t know, I just thought that I was going to have a relapse and just you know, curl up, wish things that I know would never happen all the while having a good cry and all that drama. I guess it is true that when you obsess about things that you think will happen, it never actually takes place.

I woke up feeling sane and normal, tuned in to the radio and basically had a good start. I also prayed for guidance last night. The thing is, when things turned out not-so-bad first thing in the morning, it was all the motivation I needed. I took things in a stride and just did things I was supposed to do. It was really all in my head- all those negative vibes. Edu Manzano never fails to perk me up. I went to UP, although I didn’t fully accomplish what I was to do there, but at least, I got started. It was also nice walking around the campus, seeing all those familiar surroundings and just remembering good times there.

I also finished my application for this Quezon City- based company, I hope they would consider me, Makati is just too impractical for me. What else? Oh, I also talked with 2 friends- one was lonesome, the other was getting over heartbreak. I comforted them to some extent and in the process forgot about my own trivial woes. I know we are all going to be fine. I purchased a new blouse for the interview tomorrow. (they really ought to hire me, I already spent some serious cash before I was even hired LOL). The black pumps were fixed and I am going to call the company tomorrow just to make sure that I won’t waste another afternoon again. Oh yeah, it also rained a bit as I was going home. The type of rain that’s just right to cool everybody off, a light drizzle. Perfect.

Yes, I have yet to completely accept what happened to me. Sadly, I don’t think we can the relationship we had back then. Funny, it was just a few months ago that I consider him to be one of my good friends. Its OK, I guess, maybe it just really takes time. It’s now, 12:05 AM, May 29, 2007. Its over, I made it. You’re doing great Arlene. Just let things flow. There will probably be even more challenges and trials before you, but you’ve been through part of hell already. You’re going to be fine and always keep in mind that there are people who care for you. Alright?

I wonder how I’ll be doing a year now. Hopefully, I’ll be a law student and even better-looking lady then. You wish! Laughs. Keep it up, Arlene

of cold nights and babies

As the rain pours outside, I can’t help but feel happy, jubilant even. I’ve always loved rainy nights, particularly in times like this when I’m all alone in a place with my thoughts. Had it been any other night, I would seek the companion of the TV, the radio, music or what-not. Not tonight. This kind of weather is soothes and calms me like no other and I just let all thoughts run inside my head.

Today, I just heard that a former classmate is actually getting married. She just also graduated. When my friend told me, I just had to ask, “Is she pregnant?” Turns out she was, 4 months if my sources were correct. Wow. I can’t help but admire her decision in keeping the baby and getting married. If that had happened to me at this time in life, I would probably do the alternative- that is, having an abortion. Just can’t believe I just that, but really that’s how I feel. I dunno if I would feel the same way a few years from now, but the as I said, at this time of my life, I know I am not responsible enough to raise another human being.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually am hoping that that situation would never take place- me having an abortion. When the time comes that I am to have sex, and I know that I’m not ready to have a child, I hope that I would have the logic and reason to take precautions not to have one. By the way, I already have names for my children, ironic isn’t it? Corrine and Miguel. Yup, just two children for me. Paternal twins if I have my way.

I was also “unli” today. I texted up some people and it was fun. Chika and updates with other “unli” people. My good friend (lets just call her “chenes”, I don’t think she would appreciate it if I blab all these things for all the world to read) we were of course making the most out of the service, Anyways, it was almost midnight and she said that she’s tired and sleepy. Being the heckler that I was, I teased her that she only wants to go to sleep because she wants to dream about Y tu mama tambien, the movie that we were talking about earlier. To which she replied something like, “Nagawa ko na iba dun. Hindi masaya, nasaktan lang ako.” Oh-K. Great. As I also happen to know the guy she was with then, well…, it was an awkward moment for which I was lost for words. Of course, had I not been involved and caught in the middle in this entire “situation”, it would have been funny, hilarious even.

I hope that it rains every night. Selfish thought, but really. I think that the rain helps me keep it together, helps me get through everyday. I especially like it when at times the rain would seem to stop, it gently turns to drizzle but at the next second, it all comes pouring relentlessly down. Love it.

neurons?

A once read a message that said that the neurons (or something) of a human brain is (somehow) connected to other people’s brain cells, chances are if you think or remember a person, the other person is thinking about you too.

I don’t know if this is scientifically-conclusive, but assuming this is true, I do have one favor to ask of you. Would you please stop thinking of me?

Just so you know I am trying my best not to think of you. Know what? I am doing great. I am busy with other things, people and stuff. I don’t even have the time to think of myself, let alone you. But it really pisses me off that until now when a text message comes from you I just lose it. I backslide into the person that I swore I would never be again. I feel suddenly elated and somehow, I just have to text you back, hoping that we’ll somehow have a conversation. But, just as I learned the hard way, another message from you is next to impossible.

Did you that I was feeling crap today and that I needed a friend? Did you know that I was just about to watch the movie that we were supposed to see together? Did you know that you asking about tope was just about the most insensitive thing you could have done? All these questions rushed into my head as I received a text from you some time late in the afternoon today.

I am not supposed to be missing you today, nor even think about you. Not ever. As I said, I’ve been ‘successful’ but when jump on me like that, well... Worse yet, there are those moments that I am doing something completely different but then I see or hear something, and instantly, thoughts of you would come flooding to my mind. And then I miss you. Then I despise myself for missing you. Finally, I cry because I just feel so helpless, confused, bitter and guilty all at the same time.

I hope you’re happy. I feel like crap and I know you don’t. Life is just too dandy for you. I don’t know what triggers my memory in you, probably something trivial or maybe, when you have nothing else important to do. I don’t want to know.

Please don’t think of me again.

two months, too long

i have aged 10 years older and became two feet less in the past weeks. i don't think i can handle anymore surprises and revelations- people, event or whatever. I think i've had enough of those this er, memorable, (to put it mildly), summer vacation. nonetheless, hey, i've learned a lot and that i can take with me in the future.


well, i think all things considered i have done well in ammending my mistakes. i ended it, the thing that was wrong from the start. I think. I must admit, i do have relapses. just yesterday, i was very much affected when he texted suddenly. damnation. but hey, whatever. the point is, we finished it. i don't know how we would act towards each other when we meet again. I just have to make sure that i look as "blooming" as possible. no need to boost ego his ego by appearing as if my world ended when I called it quits.

also, i can't believe that i have lost all my love for my "pinakakatangi-tanging pag-ibig" as i liked to call him then. now. I can finally say that i am over him. yes, tope, i am over you. hindi na kita crush. it has taken some time, (again, an understatement), to avtually do that. I knew it was teh right thing to do when you did that to her. I can't believe that you did that, well, yeah, I actually believe it. Well, you read this, you'll probably go, "what did I ever do to you?" well, nothing. It wasn't your fault that i like you. Its just that throughout all these time, you were my anchor, whatever happened, it was you or at least my perception of you, that was consistent. so to speak. I know that you were not aware of all of this, and i actually have no right to be angry at you or anything like that. im not. its just makes my head spin knowing that you would never actually make me back had i told you of my feelings. i would have been devastated. i'm sorry that it ever happened to her, I felt that you actually like her back and you'll be great together. tope, nobody deserves to treated like that. ever.

ok.. now , its all done with , I am up at my feet again. damn company, I wish that they'd call me back. just so i know if i made it or not.. but then again, patience is a virtue.. for the record, i am really at a meager budget, please, i need money.. people, i am ready for employment, lets get it on.. smiley..

ayeene, i like this new you. you should cut your hair more often.

kasama sila

masaya ako kagabi.. for a long time, di ko masyado naramdaman yun.. that was what i needed- kaibigan, alak, yabangan.. lam mo un, di sya ung saya na dhil lasing ako.. basta iba.. pag talaga kamangyan kasama ko, i really belong... korni, pero totoo.. these are the people that i would trust my life with..

masaya ako kagabi.. kasi kahit pano, i know that i'll be ok.. kahit patay asar ako sa kadahilanang ako'y tambay pa rin, ayus lang.. uwi na lang siguro akong mindoro.. hehe.. nakakatuwa nga, c jucs at aya may trabaho na.. ang gagaling, nakaka-pressure tuloy.. buti na lang, makapal tlaga mukha ko, kundi na-depress na ako ng tuluyan dahil dun..

masaya ako.. kasi c jop2 at shai2 ay nagsalita na.. at may suka pang kasama.. hehe.. ok talaga ung dalawang un.. sana lang di masyadong BI org, nilalasing kasi mga bata.. hehe..

grabe, ganun pala sya as a person.. pano yun? ang prince charming ko pala ay palaka.. as in.. alam mo yun? i have this perception of him that he's basically a good guy.. a great guy, in fact.. pero sobrang hindi pala.. nung pinag-uusapan sya, i can't believe that he is the same guy that i have liked for so many years now.. whatever happened to him?

masaya ako kagabi.. bow..

you may not know this, but you are my knight-in-shining armor. as cliche and ridiculous as it may sound, you have always come at moments when everything just blows up in my face.

a messsage from you today made me fully realize that i could just end things and be done with all the troubles in the past weeks. i don't know why, but it was talking to you that triggered all the pent-up emotions and i finally had the courage to face my problem. i know it was just a meaningless exchange of messages for you, what you don't realize was that it was the first time for me to actually just text you and not think about anything else. then, i just cant send you messages without my imagination running wild. when we were texting, it was then it hit me that if i could do that, then i can do anything else.

you probably won't read this, you probably won't even care. but just the same, thank you.

P.S. I do hope that you would read this someday. In the back of my mind, i guess i still want you to like me, that somehow you will finally take notice.

don't let me get me

why is it that you can't let go of something that you know would only mess up your life? big time?

maybe it's the thought that things will change? the idea that nothing will ever be the same between the two of you is scary enough... so, i just hang on to whatever is happening right now, becuse i think it's better than would happen when I finally have the courage to end this, whatever this is.

th reason why

for some time now, i have thought of starting my own blog, but i never i actually got around in actually starting one.

now, as i am doing nothing else (oh yes, i am still jobless.. lol), i am starting one. just hope that i could keep this up. or at the very least, have at least some entries.

everything is changing. flashing right before my eyes. the thing is, i don't know what to do about it.
lately, i have done some things that never should have taken place. and i mean never. in the beginning, it was all just great fun. then, it became complicated, and more so each day. i'll the first one to admit that i lost my head in the process and now, everything just seems to crumble into pieces. i despise myself for what i have become. i used to like myself, ok, maybe not all the time. but at least then, i could have said to myself "you're doing just fine" and smile at the next moment. not anymore.

for those who know me,. this may come as a great surprise. don't worry, i will be fine. i'm working on it.